Learning from Moses

So Deuteronomy 34:7 says Moses was 120 years old when he died. Before God called him to any sort of action, Moses waited 40 years... in the wilderness... with a flock of sheep... wandering aimlessly. And then, boom! A burning bush and God sent him to deliver the Israelites from slavery.

I'm can only imagine what was going on in Moses' head those 480 months of wandering. I bet for awhile he fought off memories of killing the Egyptian (Ex. 2). Maybe he wondered if Pharaoh would ever find him or forget about what he'd done. Perhaps he thought he'd be a shepherd the rest of his life. I wonder if that bothered him or if he was satisfied with it. But I imagine every time he'd try to convince himself he was content, the image of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew would pop into his mind and anger at the injustices would ensue.

4 months. That's how long I've been waiting for direction. Nothing compared to Moses, granted, but I believe I've had some of the same feelings. In an attempt to reach contentment, I've found myself pressing towards nirvana - trying to remove my desires, tricking myself into wanting nothing (which I'm convinced isn't what God wants). Like Moses, I know things aren't as they should be. I've seen injustices done in various developing countries around the world. I've read blogs, watched videos, viewed photos of hurting, abused, neglected, hungry, thirsty, dying people nationally and internationally. I've been livid when it appears justice doesn't prevail. I've been broken when I read statistics of orphaned children. I've been down-right infuriated when I hear about human trafficking. Ahh! There's just an infinite amount of brokenness...

I see so much need in the world, and while I only have one life to offer, I want to give it. I want to act. I want to do something. I want to make a difference. I'm willing to travel the world, to sell everything I own, to -gasp- wear dresses or skirts every day if need be. But I find myself in Champaign, Ill.... in the middle of corn fields... in a college town... wearing the only pair of jeans I own every day... looking for a job...

If you've read any of my previous posts, you know I moved here to be part of a church plant, Confluence Church. And, I want to be clear, while I'm here, serving the Champaign-Urbana community with Confluence is my purpose. God is moving in this city, and it is a privilege to be serving Him in this capacity and partnering with Him in this work. Truly humbled.

I just know this is temporary. I don't know if it's temporary like Moses' time as a shepherd, the 40-years-type of temporary, or if it's temporary like 1-2 years, the you-don't-have-an-income-type of temporary. But I do know this: Even in the temporary, God meets me. Even in the waiting, He shows up. Even in the longing for more, this is enough.

Reading about Moses encourages me. I'll wait as long as I need to wait, and I'll know there is strategy and purpose in the wait and timing. (deep inhale, slow exhale -- this is not easy.)

Waiting on the Mosaic

I wonder if the tile creators ever imagined this when they dreamed up the tile designs.

I bet they saw their tiles nicely and neatly laid in lobbies, bathrooms or patios.

Maybe they did dream they'd be displayed in public areas, like around a park fountain. But I doubt they pictured their creations broken into pieces and placed with other mismatched and broken tiles.

But just look at this incredible wall at Park Guell in Barcelona, Spain. It looks so perfect. (Admittedly, I love abstract art. I love that it can be whatever you want it to be. I love thinking about what the artist wanted viewers to see and feel.)

In early January, my typical restlessness was about to overtake me. The many, many dreams I'd horded were about to cause my heart to bust. Among several other crazy things, I'd wanted to live in about 5 major US cities and overseas somewhere all before age 30, so then at 30, I could marry and start a family. Feeling the pressure of time, I began to doubt my decision to join Confluence Church and my 2-year (minimum) commitment to the Champaign area.

I felt like God was asking me to name all of the desires and dreams I'd kept locked in my heart. It was as if my dreams were colorful, unique jars I'd been collecting, each so special to me, so important. As I named them, I lined them up on a counter, being so careful and intentional in their placement as I explained each dream's importance.

Right after they were all lined up and beautifully displayed, they went crashing to the floor, the concrete floor. My entire insides tightened. I looked over the edge of the counter and what I saw was astounding. This is all I could say:

My dreams are being dashed so beautifully that each and every sharp-edged, disproportioned, shattered piece is forming a breathtaking, mosaic work of art.

So that is where I am. My original plans were not bad, just as the tile creators tile dreams weren't bad. But I believe there is an Artist who wants to take my plans and make them into something far more beautiful that I can imagine. I will control my restless heart and wait to see how exactly these pieces flow together.

In the fog

I've learned many things this past month. It's been steep walk on my faith journey. While the rocks seem to be moss-covered and slippery and the fog has nearly blocked all my vision, my ears have become more acute to the voice of my Leader. I hear Him more clearly and more often, and when I don't hear His words or see His pictures/images, I hear His breath and know I'm close. So peacefully and confidently I take my next step. One step at a time. One day at a time. I keep going.

There is one specific word that has resonated with my heart most and that I remind myself of every day. And I believe, friends, that this word is for you too. It's this:

God knows where you are. He sees where you are. He hears your prayers/cries/begs/shouts/yells. He knows your situation. And He cares. He loves you while you cry, while you shout, while you plead. He loves you right there.

He sees where you are. He sees where you started. And He sees where you're going. He sees the entire journey. And He's with you on the whole journey.

Take heart, friends. If you are following Jesus and are in a position where you feel purposeless and lost, where you feel overwhelmed and inadequate, where you feel the whiplash of the world's brokenness...if that's where you are, He is there. He sees you. He loves you. And He will see you through. His love prevails over life's circumstances.

If you stumbled onto this blog and are curious about the assurance this "God" offers, or maybe you have questions you don't think He could answer, or maybe you think I'm insane...regardless, if you feel like contacting me to talk about the questions you and I have regarding faith, email me. (You can find my email address on my profile page.) I love hard questions and have many of my own. I'd be honored to talk to you.

That I'm not alone

I found tears running down my cheeks this morning.

I'm not one to cry, really. There are typically two things that bring my internal emotions to my exterior: movies and music. Stop, play and pause buttons can be pushed during movies or songs. There's a clear end, either an hour and 58 minutes or 3 minutes and 28 seconds. I get to decide if I want whatever happens during the movie or song to affect me thereafter.

In real life, not so much (which is why I struggle with emotional connectivity).

But this morning, I had no control. It was as if my heart bypassed my brain.

We had communion at Confluence Church for the first time today. Confluence, a church plant in Champaign, Ill., started meeting in July. Church is held at the pastor's home, and we've been catching the vision, learning about the city, discussing practical ways engage the community, building relationships, listening to the Spirit, and worshiping God since then.

Before church, the kids of the pastor went over to the neighbors' houses to invite them. Two kids came, Niko and Tanea.

For communion, someone read 1 Corinthians 11: 23-34 from The Message version. A plate of bread was passed around to everyone one, and Kevin (the pastor) served everyone the juice saying some variation of "This is the blood of Jesus; He died for you." Even the kids were served.

After that, Kevin asked if anyone felt God tell them anything or if they had any images they wanted to share with the group. (This is very common at Confluence. Sometimes no one has anything; sometimes someone does.) A couple of people said very serious, genuine things that were on their hearts. And then there was some silence.

And now, here comes the reason for this post. This the reason there were tears streaming down my cheeks. After a few moments of silence, Niko, the 10-year-old 5th grader who doesn't really go to church, said with more sincerity than I can write

"I felt God say that I'm not alone."

Wow.

I am certain, so certain, something is going on in his heart. The Lord is moving and drawing him near. In a room of strangers, primarily adults, this little boy had the courage to share God told him he's not alone.

Oh, and Niko, who decided to not go to children's church but to stay with the adults, also volunteered to help in a service project next weekend.

All my heart could do was smile through tears.

10 Reasons I’m Not Selling Everything I Own and Traveling the World

My love for traveling has taken me many places in my short 24 years of life. I have amazing friends in Mexico I visit at least yearly. I’ve almost been arrested in Athens, Greece, for not validating my metro ticket (three words: bribe the cop). I’ve met Great Britain’s former Prime Minister Gordon Brown outside a hotel on the northern coast of Wales.

The city of Paris still inspires me when I close my eyes and remember walking out of Sacre Coeur and having my senses overcome with awe at the sight, sounds and smells as the chilled night wind blew my scarf into the empty sky behind me and the entire city sparkled just like in the movies. Flipping through a book I bought at the Vatican and remembering Michelangelo’s incredible art encourages me to persevere when a task seems daunting and the end isn’t in sight.

I spent four months living in a real castle nestled in England’s green countryside. Nearly ten years ago in Haiti I met a little boy, T-Jim, whose picture still sits on my desk in a frame that says, “Memories such as these are treasures of the heart.”

I can’t watch the travel channel because it makes me restless. I can’t flip through vacationing magazines because I want to visit everywhere. I can’t save any money because I spend it all on airfare or gasoline.

So you can imagine how hard it was for me to read Elizabeth Gilbert’s New York Times Bestseller “Eat Pray Love.” In fact, I haven’t read it completely. I had to stop after reading of her experiences in Italy. By that point, I’d created an eBay account, Kelly Blue Booked my vehicle’s worth, and searched one-way flights to various cities across Europe. I was ready to sell everything I owned and move to anywhere. It was then I knew I had to put the book down. My heart just couldn’t take it.

Side note for those of you who are out of touch with pop culture: Gilbert’s book is about her experiences spending a year traveling in search of herself and, some would say, spirituality. She spends time in Italy, where she focuses on food, India, where she visits an Ashram and focuses on prayer, and Indonesia, where she focuses on love. Last weekend a movie based on her book was released starring Julia Roberts. (End side note.)

When my best friend, who loves the book, asked me to see the movie with her, I could hardly say no, especially because it stars my favorite actress of all time. (“Pretty Woman” was my favorite movie as a child.) Going into the theater, I gave myself a pep talk, something not uncommon for me.

“Just enjoy it. You know you’re supposed to be in Champaign now. You just signed a 12-month lease. This is where the Lord wants you. Just enjoy the movie,” I told myself convincingly.

I did enjoy the movie. But, I’ll admit, there were times, while sitting in that surprisingly comfortable movie theater seat, I would have given all but my last breath to be sitting on the Spanish steps in Rome (something I’ve done before) or walking the beaches of Bali (something I long terribly to do).

That brings me to my main point, the title of this post: 10 Reasons I’m Not Selling Everything I Own and Traveling the World. Truly, I believe these reasons are from my heart. However, I must be more truthful in saying perhaps my heart is trying to convince my head these reasons are valid. Regardless, here are the 10 reasons I’m staying in good, ol’ Midwest and not becoming a globetrotter….right now anyway.

1. I’m not in a financial position to spend a year unemployed.
2. My family would hate me.
3. I just signed a 12-month lease that can’t be broken.
4. Honestly, I believe God has led me to Champaign, Ill.
5. Student loans, need I say more?
6. I plan on going back to school next year (for dental hygiene this time).
7. My camera isn’t good enough to take on that kind of trip.
8. I need to shed some pounds before I can fit in with the rest of the world.
9. I would need to take another self-defense course to brush up my moves, and I don’t have time for that now.
10. The final reason, and probably the one I cling to most, is that book has already been written. I won’t write it again; I’ll write my own.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!....to the five people who read my blog. :) (and I'm an optimist.)

My prayer for you is that throughout this year, you'd experience a new characteristic of God. If you've known Him as El Olam, the Everlasting God, may you also know Him as Jehova-Shalom, the Lord is Peace. If you've known Him as Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord will provide, may you know Him as Jehova-Mekaddishkem, the Lord who sanctifies.

That is my prayer for myself, as well. I do not know all the names of God, but I'm trying to learn some because I believe by learning more about God's names, I'll learn more about who He is.

A great resource a friend told me about is a pamphlet called "Names of God." She, being much older and wiser than myself, advised me to read over the pamphlet every day and said, in doing so, I'd grow closer to God and be able to pray using His specific names. I'm not there yet, but it's something to work toward.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a great year. 2010 is going to be incredible; I can just feel it.

Here is a link if anyone is interested in purchasing a pamphlet:
http://www.amazon.com/Names-God-Rose-Publishing/dp/1890947504