Floating

You know the feeling of being in over your head?

Like you've taken on a project that you have no idea how to accomplish. Or you've planned your schedule too tightly and you're not sure you'll make all of your engagements. Or you've entered a relationship and you feel totally out of control.

Whether we inch into the deep end of the pool of life or cannonball from the ledge, it's inevitable that we occasionally find ourselves there.

I usually end up fighting the water. I'm not an excellent swimmer, so as the battle to keep my head above water rages, I tire. Quickly.

But what if I relaxed and floated? I know how to float. What if I worked with the water as oppose to fighting it?

That's my challenge for myself and for you. No matter what situation I find myself in, I want to float. I want to relax and not tire. I want to enjoy where I am and not be consumed with seeking control. I want live the adventure.

Waiting on the Mosaic

I wonder if the tile creators ever imagined this when they dreamed up the tile designs.

I bet they saw their tiles nicely and neatly laid in lobbies, bathrooms or patios.

Maybe they did dream they'd be displayed in public areas, like around a park fountain. But I doubt they pictured their creations broken into pieces and placed with other mismatched and broken tiles.

But just look at this incredible wall at Park Guell in Barcelona, Spain. It looks so perfect. (Admittedly, I love abstract art. I love that it can be whatever you want it to be. I love thinking about what the artist wanted viewers to see and feel.)

In early January, my typical restlessness was about to overtake me. The many, many dreams I'd horded were about to cause my heart to bust. Among several other crazy things, I'd wanted to live in about 5 major US cities and overseas somewhere all before age 30, so then at 30, I could marry and start a family. Feeling the pressure of time, I began to doubt my decision to join Confluence Church and my 2-year (minimum) commitment to the Champaign area.

I felt like God was asking me to name all of the desires and dreams I'd kept locked in my heart. It was as if my dreams were colorful, unique jars I'd been collecting, each so special to me, so important. As I named them, I lined them up on a counter, being so careful and intentional in their placement as I explained each dream's importance.

Right after they were all lined up and beautifully displayed, they went crashing to the floor, the concrete floor. My entire insides tightened. I looked over the edge of the counter and what I saw was astounding. This is all I could say:

My dreams are being dashed so beautifully that each and every sharp-edged, disproportioned, shattered piece is forming a breathtaking, mosaic work of art.

So that is where I am. My original plans were not bad, just as the tile creators tile dreams weren't bad. But I believe there is an Artist who wants to take my plans and make them into something far more beautiful that I can imagine. I will control my restless heart and wait to see how exactly these pieces flow together.

In the fog

I've learned many things this past month. It's been steep walk on my faith journey. While the rocks seem to be moss-covered and slippery and the fog has nearly blocked all my vision, my ears have become more acute to the voice of my Leader. I hear Him more clearly and more often, and when I don't hear His words or see His pictures/images, I hear His breath and know I'm close. So peacefully and confidently I take my next step. One step at a time. One day at a time. I keep going.

There is one specific word that has resonated with my heart most and that I remind myself of every day. And I believe, friends, that this word is for you too. It's this:

God knows where you are. He sees where you are. He hears your prayers/cries/begs/shouts/yells. He knows your situation. And He cares. He loves you while you cry, while you shout, while you plead. He loves you right there.

He sees where you are. He sees where you started. And He sees where you're going. He sees the entire journey. And He's with you on the whole journey.

Take heart, friends. If you are following Jesus and are in a position where you feel purposeless and lost, where you feel overwhelmed and inadequate, where you feel the whiplash of the world's brokenness...if that's where you are, He is there. He sees you. He loves you. And He will see you through. His love prevails over life's circumstances.

If you stumbled onto this blog and are curious about the assurance this "God" offers, or maybe you have questions you don't think He could answer, or maybe you think I'm insane...regardless, if you feel like contacting me to talk about the questions you and I have regarding faith, email me. (You can find my email address on my profile page.) I love hard questions and have many of my own. I'd be honored to talk to you.

Cautiously or Radically?

I believe I was a sophomore in high school when I made this life-changing decision. A decision that has, in fact, affected every major decision I've made thereafter.

No, it wasn't the decision to follow Jesus, exactly.

It was the decision to not just live for the Lord, but to live radically for the Lord. During musical worship at a conference, as I was praying, two pictures came into my mind. One picture was of a house on a hill with a fence and a dog in the front yard. The other was a straw hut on a mud road. In my heart I felt that the pictures represent two ways of life. (Note: Don't hear me saying I think having a house on a hill with a fence and a dog is bad or wrong or unspiritual. I don't. At all. And I may very well have one myself someday! If that's all you hear, you'll miss the point.)

To me, the first picture represented living cautiously, while the second represented living radically. Because God knows my heart's language, He used those pictures lead me to a Y in the road on my journey with Him. I decided that night to live each day radically, wanting to live life on the edge.

Right now, I'm trying to figure out what the "each day" part looks like. Moving to Champaign, Ill., to join a church plant team may sound radical, but not to me. It's getting down to the day-by-day details of living radically that has stumped me. My challenge has been to make sure each day is aligning with the larger purpose of living radically, loving radically, and risking radically. And I'm not sure I've been doing that well.

I have a feeling this isn't something I'm going to master anytime soon. It just might take a lifetime.