Hesitation — The Follow Up

Please, if you're interested, read my previous post before diving into this one.

As I was trying to sleep last night, I realized I didn't touch an important part of my thoughts on hesitation. Inconveniently, I woke up thinking about it too. (I despise my overactive subconscious. As if dealing with an overactive mind all day isn't enough, my subconscious is equally busy, at times making it impossible to actually feel rested.)

I always think if there's no takeaway, no application, no implementation, then what good is the thought. So here is where I'm going.

Hesitation in itself is not wrong. The important thing is to figure out what is causing the fear in the hesitation. After getting to the bottom of the fear—actually coming face-to-face with it—it can be brought before the Lord. Then the fear can be justly weighed.

What I'm getting at is it's important to figure out what the fears are and why they exist. And that's something the Lord can help with.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you go through that whole process before crossing an intersection in a vehicle. I say, "Just gun it and go!" :)

Hesitation

Most days, a thought hits me in the morning and clenches its teeth into my brain. All day, it refuses to loosen its jaw clasp around my mind. I spend the day feeling the individual imprint of each tooth, wondering if its really there, if its just my imagination, if I believe in its power. I question the truth of the thought and its applicability in all circumstances.

Here's what held my mind hostage today:

Every hesitation is rooted in a varying degree of fear.

I was hit with that thought while standing in the shower this morning. I wish I could remember the thought process that got me there, but I haven't the slightest idea. But immediately after, I began to question its truth. I tried to think about different types of hesitations and various times I've hesitated to do anything.

My initial link to hesitation was in driving. I don't know statistics, but I'm going out on a limb to say there are lots of accidents that happen because drivers hesitate. The think they have enough time to make it across the intersection. But then they hesitate before proceeding, and that's when a collision occurs. What caused the hesitation? The fear that they might not make it across. And what really caused the accident? The hesitation...rooted in fear.

I'm a rather indecisive person. If I don't see how the decision will play into the big picture of life, then I don't really care; I'm truly indifferent. (I honestly don't care what restaurant we go to!) But if it's a decision that directly affects the big picture of, say, my life, then I care. Example: Upon my college graduation, I was offered a position with a wonderful organization whose purpose I stood beside doing a job I was passion about in a foreign land that captivated me. I hesitated. Man, did I ever. I hesitated to even say I felt swayed one way or the other. My hesitation was rooted in fear—fear of making the wrong decision, fear I'd bypass an opportunity to serve the Lord, fear I'd step out of God's will for my life. I mention this specific time of hesitation to clarify I'm not saying hesitation altogether is wrong. After all, now more than ever I'm confident I'm where I'm supposed to be. (Plainville, Ind., happens to be the ends of the earth for me right now.)

I hesitate before I tell certain people things, hesitation rooted in the fear they my not receive the words the way my heart intends for them to be received. Or the fear they'll misunderstand me. Or the fear they'll disregard or devalue what I'm saying.

I hesitate before sharing the Gospel at times. I hesitate before letting myself care about certain issues or people. I hesitate before following my heart. I hesitate before making decisions that affect my future. I hesitate before doing anything that will make me uncomfortable or vulnerable.

So at the end of the day, as the thought begins to loosen its bite on my mind, I say I believe it: Every hesitation is rooted in a varying degree of fear.

I invite thoughts on this issue.