Monday, March 8, 2010

Hesitation

Most days, a thought hits me in the morning and clenches its teeth into my brain. All day, it refuses to loosen its jaw clasp around my mind. I spend the day feeling the individual imprint of each tooth, wondering if its really there, if its just my imagination, if I believe in its power. I question the truth of the thought and its applicability in all circumstances.

Here's what held my mind hostage today:
Every hesitation is rooted in a varying degree of fear.

I was hit with that thought while standing in the shower this morning. I wish I could remember the thought process that got me there, but I haven't the slightest idea. But immediately after, I began to question its truth. I tried to think about different types of hesitations and various times I've hesitated to do anything.

My initial link to hesitation was in driving. I don't know statistics, but I'm going out on a limb to say there are lots of accidents that happen because drivers hesitate. The think they have enough time to make it across the intersection. But then they hesitate before proceeding, and that's when a collision occurs. What caused the hesitation? The fear that they might not make it across. And what really caused the accident? The hesitation...rooted in fear.

I'm a rather indecisive person. If I don't see how the decision will play into the big picture of life, then I don't really care; I'm truly indifferent. (I honestly don't care what restaurant we go to!) But if it's a decision that directly affects the big picture of, say, my life, then I care. Example: Upon my college graduation, I was offered a position with a wonderful organization whose purpose I stood beside doing a job I was passion about in a foreign land that captivated me. I hesitated. Man, did I ever. I hesitated to even say I felt swayed one way or the other. My hesitation was rooted in fear—fear of making the wrong decision, fear I'd bypass an opportunity to serve the Lord, fear I'd step out of God's will for my life. I mention this specific time of hesitation to clarify I'm not saying hesitation altogether is wrong. After all, now more than ever I'm confident I'm where I'm supposed to be. (Plainville, Ind., happens to be the ends of the earth for me right now.)

I hesitate before I tell certain people things, hesitation rooted in the fear they my not receive the words the way my heart intends for them to be received. Or the fear they'll misunderstand me. Or the fear they'll disregard or devalue what I'm saying.

I hesitate before sharing the Gospel at times. I hesitate before letting myself care about certain issues or people. I hesitate before following my heart. I hesitate before making decisions that affect my future. I hesitate before doing anything that will make me uncomfortable or vulnerable.

So at the end of the day, as the thought begins to loosen its bite on my mind, I say I believe it: Every hesitation is rooted in a varying degree of fear.

I invite thoughts on this issue.

4 comments:

Niko Vasiloff said...

I am amazed at how it seems like you and I begin to think more and more like each other. lol. I love your thought process, your words. It reminds me a lot of (well, other than myself) of Elizabeth Gilbert -she's the author of this book I'm reading ("Eat Pray Love"). It's AMAZING. But that's for another post....

Wow, Em. I need to let this whole hesitation ideology marinate in my mind a little more, but I am in complete agreement. It is foundationally rooted in fear. Oh, and I'm with you on the indecisiveness of our personalities. (I seriously don't care about the restaurant either ;) And I definitely affirm your inclination to put less (or no) validation on things that don't have true life applicability. So with ya on that.

You know, this really does hit home for me in some ways. I know just this morning, in a roundabout way, I was thinking about hesitation. I was hestitating on trusting God in a certain part of my life, and I was thinking about why I was hesitating. It was rooted in trust -and fear. I guess in essence, FEARING TO TRUST His Word. Fearing that He might slip up and not meet me halfway in my trust and obedience to His Word.

It's a tricky thing, hesitation. It feels natural. Yet we are called to life unnatural lives. Wow, talk about a statement. And I understand your fear of thinking people may misunderstand your words, ergo hesitating. I do that too. I'm working on that...

Although here's another spin: could SOME (perhaps not all) hesitation be rooted in a varying degree of WISDOM? Stay with me on this, I'm just thinking that I can recall times when I hesitated, not out of fear, but out of an innate sense (holy spirit, anyone?) that something was wrong -or right, and that I needed to rethink my next step. But then again, perhaps a word from the holy spirit can take the shape in the form of fear ....so touche. Hmm, now I just confused myself more.... dang you overly pensive nature.

Emilee Shake said...

Niko,

I hadn't thought about hesitation being rooted in wisdom, but when I read your comment, I thought about the Scripture that says "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom..." (Ps. 111:10 and Prov. 9:10). So perhaps that is part of it. Interesting thought. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your comments and thoughts.

Oh, and I love Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat. Pray. Love." While it's phenomenal, I had to stop reading it because it was making my heart restless for travel, and I don't think it's time for that right now.

Niko Vasiloff said...

that's totally the exact scripture I was thinking of when I wrote that. thank YOU for your thoughts/sharing. It's awesome reading. It reminds me of our car talks. :) Miss those.

Haha, I understand your wariness with Eat Pray Love. I totally want to go to Italy now...

Anonymous said...

Me, too, Emilee. I know God is calling me, and I hesitate. Often, He is merciful and gives me time to make a U-turn to get back on track.

I do think there is a time to hesitate. I'd call it "prudence." The opposite of being rash, hasty. There is wisdom in taking the time to seek advice, for example...to check to make sure one's heart isn't deceiving.