Hesitation

Most days, a thought hits me in the morning and clenches its teeth into my brain. All day, it refuses to loosen its jaw clasp around my mind. I spend the day feeling the individual imprint of each tooth, wondering if its really there, if its just my imagination, if I believe in its power. I question the truth of the thought and its applicability in all circumstances.

Here's what held my mind hostage today:

Every hesitation is rooted in a varying degree of fear.

I was hit with that thought while standing in the shower this morning. I wish I could remember the thought process that got me there, but I haven't the slightest idea. But immediately after, I began to question its truth. I tried to think about different types of hesitations and various times I've hesitated to do anything.

My initial link to hesitation was in driving. I don't know statistics, but I'm going out on a limb to say there are lots of accidents that happen because drivers hesitate. The think they have enough time to make it across the intersection. But then they hesitate before proceeding, and that's when a collision occurs. What caused the hesitation? The fear that they might not make it across. And what really caused the accident? The hesitation...rooted in fear.

I'm a rather indecisive person. If I don't see how the decision will play into the big picture of life, then I don't really care; I'm truly indifferent. (I honestly don't care what restaurant we go to!) But if it's a decision that directly affects the big picture of, say, my life, then I care. Example: Upon my college graduation, I was offered a position with a wonderful organization whose purpose I stood beside doing a job I was passion about in a foreign land that captivated me. I hesitated. Man, did I ever. I hesitated to even say I felt swayed one way or the other. My hesitation was rooted in fear—fear of making the wrong decision, fear I'd bypass an opportunity to serve the Lord, fear I'd step out of God's will for my life. I mention this specific time of hesitation to clarify I'm not saying hesitation altogether is wrong. After all, now more than ever I'm confident I'm where I'm supposed to be. (Plainville, Ind., happens to be the ends of the earth for me right now.)

I hesitate before I tell certain people things, hesitation rooted in the fear they my not receive the words the way my heart intends for them to be received. Or the fear they'll misunderstand me. Or the fear they'll disregard or devalue what I'm saying.

I hesitate before sharing the Gospel at times. I hesitate before letting myself care about certain issues or people. I hesitate before following my heart. I hesitate before making decisions that affect my future. I hesitate before doing anything that will make me uncomfortable or vulnerable.

So at the end of the day, as the thought begins to loosen its bite on my mind, I say I believe it: Every hesitation is rooted in a varying degree of fear.

I invite thoughts on this issue.

I'm gonna burn it down

I'm realizing that the more you try to focus on the Lord, the more you see Him everywhere and in everything. God is doing a work in my life, and if you want to hear about it, Reader, don't hesitate to ask.

I've always been a fan of Pink, even her old school stuff (I say unashamed). In her recent hit "Funhouse" (If you've not heard the song, I recommend listening to it on YouTube before proceeding.), she talks about leaving a place that used to be fun but is now just haunting her. It's about a horrible break-up that caused pain and hurt. The song is chock-full of emotion. She's comparing the relationship to something that was so natural and so normal—like a home. And now, she's trying to rid herself of everything that would remind her of that relationship. She's walking around this "empty house," and there are so many memories. She's not exactly sure where to go from there. She knows it's not where she needs to be now, and the whole house house must be torched.

That is exactly what happens when we become Christians. We must get rid of our old selves and become who we are in Christ. As pre-Christians, our "home" is our flesh. But when we come to know the Lord, our "Funhouse" doesn't seem so fun anymore. It just taunts us. The house of our old selves taunts who we are in Christ. We know, the Holy Spirit lets us know, our keys don't fit that life anymore. And it has to be burned.

This is typically something that takes a lifetime to do. Just when we think we've purged ourselves of our flesh, the day ends, we go to sleep, and we wake up. Our Spirit is in constant battle with our flesh. Every moment of every day, our Spirit is fighting for us. The Holy Spirit is urging us to keep moving forward, to continue fighting, to remain in tune with the Lord.

Our walk with the Lord is about refining who we are in Him for His glory to build His Kingdom.

So, Reader, I say, join me in torching our old homes. Let's trust the Holy Spirit to continue moving us in the right direction. Face it, the keys to that old house are worthless in comparison with the keys to the Kingdom of God.

"Funhouse" by Pink

I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall

Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Echoes knocking on the doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the streets
Than in this haunted memory

I've called the movers called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumb, tumble house of cards

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

I'm crawling through the doggy door
My keys don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this fucker down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

Waiting room muse

As I was hanging out in the hospital waiting room, I decided to write. It's been a while, and though I've been promising an Everyday Jesus story, you're still waiting. Maybe I'll work on that after this post (that is, if I don't fall asleep).

My Aunt (great aunt, actually) Marsha was admitted to the hospital today. She works at the hospital, which proved convenient when her face went numb, arms started tingling and head started spinning this afternoon. Currently, she is sleeping. Tomorrow will be a day full of tests for her, and hopefully, some answers will come. In the few minutes she was awake while I was in her room, she told me the doctor said it could have been a mini stroke.

Our other family members were here earlier. They left when she started falling asleep around 10:30 p.m. I came to the hospital after work, shortly after 11 p.m., to stay for the night. This isn't the first time I've spent the night in a hospital room or waiting room. A couple of months ago I stayed in my grandma's room with her, and my grandpa spent 21 days in the hospital a couple of years ago. That was a long month—August 2007. (Don't worry, no one stayed the entire time. But my grandma got pretty darn close.)

Every other time I've stayed in a hospital with a friend or family member, the hospital has been quite a ways away. Tonight, that is not the case. And because of that, I can't help but feel judged by the nurses walking by. It's like they're wondering why I'm here.

To be honest, I'm not doing anything. I probably could easily go either home or to a cousin's house in town. But here's why I'm staying: I think that regardless of if I'm in the room with my aunt or not, she knows I'm here, and I give value to that knowledge. I place weight on the fact that she knows someone is waiting here with her. Do I really thing she would care if I went home? No. She told me I didn't have to stay. But possibly by knowing I want to stay will be helpful.

It's more the principle of it. I think there is value in moral building. And if this situation was, God forbid, more serious, I hope that knowing someone stayed all night would be encouraging in some strange way. That's what I want to tell the nurses that keep walking by looking at me strangely.

I could be completely wrong; I have no idea. But I'm still going to stay.

Thursday's thoughts

This morning I was reading in Matthew when Jesus quoted something the Lord says in Isaiah.

These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.
-Isaiah 29:13

Where are we taught the rules that make up Christianity? I've had several conversations with a great friend who has the privilege of leading jr. high and high school students in the discovery of Jesus. She has told me the differences in how a relationship with Jesus must be presented at varying ages/maturity levels, and I completely understand that.

I guess my heart just hurts to think that the "dos and don'ts" list sticks after high school. Perhaps because in college, several individuals hibernate their faith (which, let's be honest, isn't really possible). And maybe some of that has to do with the list that's been created. Then when they decide to come out of hibernation, the list still sticks.

There are numerous reasons that could be explored, deconstructed and evaluated. I'm not going to do that. I just want to encourage people to not let their worship of God be made up of ideas and rules taught by man. But rather, seek how Jesus lived and worship like that.

May the Lord grant you faith and courage, put purpose in your day and show you how to serve Him in the most effective way.


P.S.- Everyday Jesus stuff is in the works.

El Roi

El Roi, pronounced el ROY

It means "The God Who Sees Me."

This name of God is used in Psalm 139:7-12:
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from You presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light will become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.

Though it might seem frightening that the Creator, All-powerful God knows exactly what we're thinking and feeling (the Lord knows there are several things I wish He didn't know), but find comfort in it. There is no temptation or trial that we are going through that Christ Himself hasn't been through. It's like we can talk to someone who's been there before, who understands our feelings and can help us do the next right thing to proceed in life.

He is El Roi, the God who sees us.

Coming soon

I'm starting a blogging project soon. I'm hoping highlight different people I know who are actually taking what Jesus says in the Bible seriously. They're providing shelter for those without it. They're not casting stones when most of the world is. They're seeing what could be when there is currently nothing. Essentially, they're living their lives day-to-day and being obedient to God in everything.

Why am I doing this? Honestly, because I'm trying to figure out what it looks like to live a life of total abandonment and work a job.

It's easy to say, "I'll do that when I'm financially stable" or "I'll serve that way with my spouse whenever I'm married." I believe God wants us to be living in surrender to Him now, in whatever stage of life we're in.

So I guess I'm doing this for me to learn, and my hope is you, gracious reader, will learn something too.

Oh, the project's name is Everyday Jesus.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!....to the five people who read my blog. :) (and I'm an optimist.)

My prayer for you is that throughout this year, you'd experience a new characteristic of God. If you've known Him as El Olam, the Everlasting God, may you also know Him as Jehova-Shalom, the Lord is Peace. If you've known Him as Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord will provide, may you know Him as Jehova-Mekaddishkem, the Lord who sanctifies.

That is my prayer for myself, as well. I do not know all the names of God, but I'm trying to learn some because I believe by learning more about God's names, I'll learn more about who He is.

A great resource a friend told me about is a pamphlet called "Names of God." She, being much older and wiser than myself, advised me to read over the pamphlet every day and said, in doing so, I'd grow closer to God and be able to pray using His specific names. I'm not there yet, but it's something to work toward.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a great year. 2010 is going to be incredible; I can just feel it.

Here is a link if anyone is interested in purchasing a pamphlet:
http://www.amazon.com/Names-God-Rose-Publishing/dp/1890947504